New Year's Eve - what to do?

Well I had a good Christmas day, although Boxing day until now has been back to usual and not much fun. He was rude and nasty to me again the other day and I spent the whole evening crying and feeling pretty bad. Basically I thought that was going to have to be it between us - I couldn't face the thought of going through that again and again. We haven't spent any time together since and the following day I felt quite confused, upset and lonely. We are going to keep trying (well, he says he is), but I think I had a bit of a breakthrough in my recovery because I am not going to let him talk to me like that anymore. I didn't accept it the other day (although I didn't leave his house because I was too upset). I really think I am improving on this - I don't deserve to be spoken to like that and I am not going to tolerate that anymore.

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So, onto New Year's Eve - we have decided to go out with friends. I know that will involve drinking alcohol, but that is a decision we have made. I can't see him ever giving up alcohol completely, and I don't think he has actually been striving for that, despite what he has told me. I'm very confused about it all, but not as confused as him. I guess he just needs more time to work things out in his own head, and work out what he wants to achieve regarding alcohol.

Merry Christmas....

...especially to everyone in a similar situation. I hope your day goes smoothly.

Grateful?

Just quite disheartened at the moment. He is actually now moaning that I don't say well done because he is trying so hard! Well done for what exactly? For being on an abstinence program and still drinking, for drinking slightly less than every day, or for making plans with me all the time then drinking instead? What excatly should I be grateful for out of that?

Sometimes...

... I catch myself thinking that the problem really isn't that bad at all, and I don't know what I've been worrying about. Every time he is sober for a day or two, I have a few thoughts like this. I think that is why I get so disappointed and annoyed every time it doesn't last. It's like I subconsciously set mysef up for a fall every time. I am naturally a pessimist so it surprises me that I would keep looking on this so optimistically when things are going well. That's something else I need to address. The list just keeps on growing!

What if?

Just been panicking about something - what if he finds this blog and realises it's me that is writing it. He would probably go mad. Not as though I've revealed very personal things or bitched about him, but I have laid my feelings out quite bare, and written things I would never say to him. I doubt it is something he would ever stumble across but he might see me looking at it one day or find reference to it on the computer.

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If he does, I suppose I shouldn't be ashamed or apologise for it. I've been trying to make things better for me and him.

Wary about Christmas

It should be a really exciting time of year - I should be looking forward to our first Christmas together. Instead, I'm worrying about it - will he want to drink, will he sneak off and drink, will he convince me we should drink together because it's Christmas (the most likely) or will I just be so worried that alcohol is going to ruin the day that I don't enjoy any of it?

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I know I need to relax about it, but it doesn't help when I can already see him making the excuses as to why he will most probably turn to drink over Christmas - he has told me he's never had a happy Christmas, some bad things have happened before around this time of year and he misses people, and he can't wait for it to be over. Great. That made me feel special. My boyfriend can't wait for our first Christmas together to be over. Of course, as usual, his response to that was that not everything is about me and I shouldn't try to make everything about me. Unfortunately he often makes me feel that nothing is about me.

Looking for Advice

I've realised something as I've been reading all these self-help books and forums, that what I am looking for is just some advice. I want someone to hear the whole story (both mine and his) and tell me what the best thing to do would be. Preferably someone who has been through the same situation. Now I know that isn't going to happen. Apart from the fact that every story is different and my boyfriend isn't going to behave in the same way that someone else's might have done, noone in a book or online is going to tell me what I should do. It's all about me working out what's best for me. Maybe I'm too scared to get advice because I know what people would say. Maybe I know really what I should do, I'm just not ready to do it. Will I ever be ready or will I let myself carry on like this, just waiting for something that is never going to happen?

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This recovery from codependency is going to be a lot harder than I imagined. To be honest, I think I was hoping that reading a few forums and books would be all that is required to be 'OK again'. How wrong I was. I'm trying to think of the journey ahead as exciting and a great opportunity. All I now right now is that it is going to be tough. Very tough.

The difference - alcoholism or him?

Today I am really struggling to find the place where the alcoholic ends and the person begins. I don't even know if that is a valid thing to be struggling with. I guess it depends on your view of alcoholism, and whether you think it is a disease or not. I don't want to get into that too much now, as I really don't have an opinion on that yet. All I know is that when I read some of the things written by AA about alcoholism, it makes me feel slightly angry and hopeless - I don't like the way it comes across as something that can never truly disappear or that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Maybe I just haven't understood it fully yet.

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Right now I am wondering whether I blame all the bad parts of my boyfriend on his alcoholism, when sometimes it is just him and his character in general. Is it right to split the 2 parts up, or do I always have to look at him as a whole? If I did, I would never excuse his nasty behaviour towards me when he is drinking, so I wouldn't be sat here typing this. We would have split long ago. Also, it makes me wonder how to tell whether we really are compatible at all - if even without the alcohol we argue and get annoyed with each other. Is that normal couple stuff or is it due to alcoholism? I just don't know how to tell.

Realisation

There were 2 important realisations for me - 1) that he had a drink problem, and 2) that I have a codependency problem. The second came as a bit of a surprise to me. I knew I wasn't perfect and was already battling with trying to come to terms with my previous relationship break-up and finding out who I was again, but the alcohol was HIS problem, not mine. I thought it had nothing to do with me beyond getting upset and frustrated at alcohol ruining our plans and turning him into an arrogant idiot!

I'm quite an advocate of self-help books when there is no other help available, and decided I should look into making myself feel better, rather than just focusing on trying to get him to make himself better. After all, it would seem a bit hypocritical to not get help for me too. I read loads of websites about alcoholism, families of alcoholics and ways to get help. But it was when I started reading 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie, that I truly recognised myself and the way I behave, and therefore the part I have been playing in his alcoholism.

We haven't been a couple for that long (less than a year), and he has had a drink problem for many many years, so I'm not saying I made him an alcoholic or I make him drink, but I have been enabling him to carry on drinking even when he has promised to give up. I have been too soft, too forgiving, and too obsessed with getting him to stop. I know that needs to change but I am really struggling with how to do this.

Writing has helped

With everything that's been going on, it has helped me loads to write things down and keep a kind of diary. I don't write every day, only when I need to or find the time, but it really has helped. If you haven't got many people to talk to about your problems, or you feel too ashamed to let your friends and family know, then it is a great way to get some release and feel like it's not all just being bottled up. That is one reason why I decided to start this blog. I'm hoping that other people will relate to my story and what is going on, and then we can both take a little comfort in the fact that we are not alone.

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Sometimes I have felt like I'm the only person in the world going through these problems, and while it is true that noone else is in exactly the same situation as me, there are people who are going through similar things. I have read forums for friends and family of alcoholics, although I am yet to post on any myself. I have found quite a few similar stories to mine, but most of the posts I have read are by women who have since split from their alcoholic partners. I am yet to find many stories where the alcoholic is in recovery or been sober for years, and the relationship survived. So if anyone out there has a story like this with a happy ending, I would love to hear it!

The first mention of alcohol

I remember the first time I really talked to him about how much he was drinking, and what an idiot he could be when he was drunk. He had met me in town and the idea was to do a bit of shopping then have something to eat. Well, he turned up drunk, being quite irritating, and after going in one shop together I realised that wasn't the best idea, and he was only going to show me up. So we ended up in a pub.

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I decided to just tell him that I thought he was acting like an idiot, not only then, but every time he drank. He took that pretty well and kind of agreed. He said he should probably cut down, and told me that he would try not to drink much at all in future. In fact, I think he might have told me he wouldn't drink at all, but that just sounds laughable now so I'm not sure if that actually happened! Anyway, me being gullable and having no knowledge of his alcoholism, believed him.

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A few days later when he was back on the phone to me, completely drunk, I was really annoyed. I couldn't understand why he was getting so hammered again after our conversation. This shows how naive I was, although we still repeat the same pattern now - he promises or assures me of something alcohol-related, a part of me stupidly believes him and is then really disappointed when the inevitable happens and he lets me down. The thing I am learning now though, is that it is not me he is letting down at all. It is himself, and I don't even come into the equation once he's had a drink. Or I do, and the guilt makes him worse.

The background

I guess you need to know a little of the background behind our relationship to understand what is going on now, so the first few posts will be a brief catch up. I obviously don't want to reveal too many personal details about him, or me for that matter, but there are certain things you will need to know.

At first.......

.....it was a bit of much needed fun. We got on well. I knew he had a few problems, and I had my own too. I hadn't long come out of a serious relationship, so in hindsight it was all a bit rushed and probably not a good idea, but we were just enjoying each others company. As far as alcohol was concerned, I did not know he was alcohol-dependent, although I knew he enjoyed a drink.

Now, I'm going to sound like an idiot here, but the first time alcohol interfered was actually on our first proper date - he turned up to meet me having been in the pub most of the day. He was quite tipsy shall we say, and I needed to join in the drinking to enjoy myself. I ended up having a fairly good evening and dismissed the drunken arrival as nerves.

We saw quite a lot of each other and were always talking on the phone. I was excited by it all - it was new and made me feel good about myself. He clearly really liked me, and I felt happy. Alcohol was always there in the background, and I began to see that he was getting very drunk a few times a week, but that's kind of normal for some people, so again I dismissed it.

The stupid thing is, that even if I had known the extent of the problem in the first few weeks, I can't say I would have ended the relationship before it had properly begun.

So, I seem to find myself dating an alcoholic. Once I realised the seriousness of the situation, I couldn't quite believe it, and wondered how the hell did it happen?

Since then I've cried a lot, read a lot and learnt a lot. What has also helped me so far is writing things down, so I decided to start this blog and share my experiences with others.

I'm hoping that people who are either in, or have been in, similar situations will find this blog and find it useful in some way. I don't have any answers but sometimes it just helps to share with others.

Please feel free to comment and share your own stories/blogs if you wish.
Thank you.