So was I right?

I still don't know if he was drinking or not. My gut says he was but he said he was asleep. It doesn't matter now because I know for sure he is drinking today. I feel like the whole cycle is going to start again now and he won't be able to resist drinking until he is drunk again. He is drunk right now. I feel shit. I'm trying hard to put my codependence research into use and feel the feelings, then let them go. And to get on with my own life, but it isn't working too well. I'm so angry at him and at me for even slightly believing he could get through it this way.
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I want to scream and shout and cry at him - but what is the use? I need to stay strong and carry on about my life as normal. That is a lot easier said than done.

Panicking and obsessing

I hate this panicky horrible feeling I get when I can't get hold of him on the phone (we don't live together). Every time I think I'm doing OK and getting on with my own thing, I just slip right back to mad obsessive woman. If I text or call him and get no reply, I can't stop staring at my phone and worrying until I do hear from him! It sounds crazy, and it is. Why can't I stop obsessing constantly about where he is and what he is doing? It's like nothing else matters until I've heard from him. It is driving me mad, and annoying him too. He isn't drinking as much these days but he does hide it from me, and he hides it when he is spending time with his no-good mates - this makes me so angry.

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I just want to be able to believe what I try to tell myself - if he isn't answering he is either asleep, has lost his phone or is drinking. Worst case scenario is that he is drinking. If that is the case, then he will probably deny it tomorrow and tell me he was asleep. If he was asleep, he will tell me he was asleep. Therefore, I won't actually know which was true.

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If he is drinking tonight, does that really change anything in the grand scheme of things? He is alcohol-dependent and is not in rehab or counselling at the moment (and is going through a stressful time), so at some point he is going to drink, despite his best intentions. I think what bothers me most is that he will probably lie to me about it. But would it make any difference if I knew he was drinking right now or not?

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This is what is going on in my head right now:

I feel almost sick with worry, even though I spoke to him a couple of hours ago and he was sort of OK. I just want him to call or answer his phone. I don't want to seem like a mad woman keep calling him. But I want to speak to him. He said we'd chat before bed. Why isn't he answering? It must be because he is drinking. I'm sure he wouldn't have fallen asleep that quickly after dinner. OK, so he is probably drinking - accept that. That actually feels a bit better. I accept that he is most probably drinking right now. But then that starts the whole cycle of anger, sadness etc etc off, and I'll start thinking that this is the end of the world and we are never going to work....blah blah blah. No, it is not the end of the world. There are going to be lots of times when he is drinking, and lots of times when I can't contact him - I need to face and accept that. Right, he is probably drinking. I am at home wasting my evening wondering what he is doing. I need to stop that and get on with doing something I want to do. But I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't speak to him first. I could be wrong, he might not be drinking at all. But who am I kidding?

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You see what I have to put up with going on in my brain?! This is so draining.

Improving - what next?

Things seem to be improving. That makes me suspicious. Something bad is bound to creep up on me/us - I feel like I'm being lulled into a false sense of security. I know this seems very paranoid, but I think it is being realistic. I'm just trying to prepare myself a little for the inevitable drop back down to earth.

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It is difficult because I don't want to talk too much about my boyfriend's personal life, but I also need to talk about some things as they relate to how I feel. The main fact I am most pleased about is that since the 1st January, he has not been completely drunk. I know he has consumed alcohol on at least 1 occasion, but it was nowhere near how much he would normally drink, and he managed to stop himself from continually drinking. I am very proud of him for that.

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The problem I have is that as soon as he does get completely drunk again, I am going to feel so disappointed and like we are back at square 1 again. I probably shouldn't feel like that - drinking once isn't the end of the world - but I know that is going to be my reaction.

Just how do I feel?

I've begun to realise from reading the Codependency books, that I don't know how I do feel most of the time. Either that, or my emotions change so quickly that I can't keep track of them. I know I feel all these emotions at various times though (sometimes all at once!):
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Anger - I am so angry that he can't just get himself together. If he truly loves me, why isn't he getting that much better so we can have our happy life together? I'm angry that he is constantly living in the past and using what has happened to him in his life as excuses all the time. I'm very angry when he lies to me, and when he makes things out to be my fault.
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Sadness - I get so sad at seeing the man I love hurting himself like this. I am sad for the life he, and we, probably won't be able to have together.
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Fear - I'm scared of getting to the point where I really can't and won't take any more and we have to split up. I'm scared that if we do split up he will go off with another woman (basically, sleep around), and then we really would never be able to get back together. I'm also scared that I would never get to the point when I've had enough, and I would waste my life waiting for him to get better. I suppose I'm a little scared of being on my own and then having to go through meeting someone else and trying to start a new relationship.

Things have changed

Happy New Year everyone.

Things have changed in my situation, and I'm really not sure where that is going to take me. My boyfriend is no longer on his day program since he decided it was not helping him. I don't know whether that is a good or bad decision, but I guess it is his recovery, and he has to do what he thinks is best for him. I am worried about how much he is going to start drinking again, but the moment I bring this up I get moaned and shouted at. I think it is a valid point, seeing as when he had nothing to fill his days before, he was drinking all day every day.

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I am concerned about how I am going to cope when he has nothing to do all day too. Before I was panicking all day when at work and it made me ill. I am trying to deal with this codependency problem, but it is still a problem that he is not on a program. I guess it is just a case of wait and see.

New Year's Eve - what to do?

Well I had a good Christmas day, although Boxing day until now has been back to usual and not much fun. He was rude and nasty to me again the other day and I spent the whole evening crying and feeling pretty bad. Basically I thought that was going to have to be it between us - I couldn't face the thought of going through that again and again. We haven't spent any time together since and the following day I felt quite confused, upset and lonely. We are going to keep trying (well, he says he is), but I think I had a bit of a breakthrough in my recovery because I am not going to let him talk to me like that anymore. I didn't accept it the other day (although I didn't leave his house because I was too upset). I really think I am improving on this - I don't deserve to be spoken to like that and I am not going to tolerate that anymore.

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So, onto New Year's Eve - we have decided to go out with friends. I know that will involve drinking alcohol, but that is a decision we have made. I can't see him ever giving up alcohol completely, and I don't think he has actually been striving for that, despite what he has told me. I'm very confused about it all, but not as confused as him. I guess he just needs more time to work things out in his own head, and work out what he wants to achieve regarding alcohol.

Merry Christmas....

...especially to everyone in a similar situation. I hope your day goes smoothly.