Panicking and obsessing

I hate this panicky horrible feeling I get when I can't get hold of him on the phone (we don't live together). Every time I think I'm doing OK and getting on with my own thing, I just slip right back to mad obsessive woman. If I text or call him and get no reply, I can't stop staring at my phone and worrying until I do hear from him! It sounds crazy, and it is. Why can't I stop obsessing constantly about where he is and what he is doing? It's like nothing else matters until I've heard from him. It is driving me mad, and annoying him too. He isn't drinking as much these days but he does hide it from me, and he hides it when he is spending time with his no-good mates - this makes me so angry.

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I just want to be able to believe what I try to tell myself - if he isn't answering he is either asleep, has lost his phone or is drinking. Worst case scenario is that he is drinking. If that is the case, then he will probably deny it tomorrow and tell me he was asleep. If he was asleep, he will tell me he was asleep. Therefore, I won't actually know which was true.

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If he is drinking tonight, does that really change anything in the grand scheme of things? He is alcohol-dependent and is not in rehab or counselling at the moment (and is going through a stressful time), so at some point he is going to drink, despite his best intentions. I think what bothers me most is that he will probably lie to me about it. But would it make any difference if I knew he was drinking right now or not?

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This is what is going on in my head right now:

I feel almost sick with worry, even though I spoke to him a couple of hours ago and he was sort of OK. I just want him to call or answer his phone. I don't want to seem like a mad woman keep calling him. But I want to speak to him. He said we'd chat before bed. Why isn't he answering? It must be because he is drinking. I'm sure he wouldn't have fallen asleep that quickly after dinner. OK, so he is probably drinking - accept that. That actually feels a bit better. I accept that he is most probably drinking right now. But then that starts the whole cycle of anger, sadness etc etc off, and I'll start thinking that this is the end of the world and we are never going to work....blah blah blah. No, it is not the end of the world. There are going to be lots of times when he is drinking, and lots of times when I can't contact him - I need to face and accept that. Right, he is probably drinking. I am at home wasting my evening wondering what he is doing. I need to stop that and get on with doing something I want to do. But I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't speak to him first. I could be wrong, he might not be drinking at all. But who am I kidding?

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You see what I have to put up with going on in my brain?! This is so draining.